Money at the centre of delay in opening Gordie Howe Bridge

Trump loves his name on stuff. Tell him the bridge deck will bear his name. Paint it on the underside. Plan an Ultimate Fighting Championship event at the apex of the bridge the weekend before it opens to traffic.

Paint the girders gold, the tackier the better. Speaking of gold(en arches), add a side deck to the bridge with a McDonald’s, one of Trump’s favorite restaurants. Tell him that the bike lane is really for octogenarians in golf carts. Let people in MAGA hats cross for free.

Sounds distasteful, but how many of them will actually want to go to Canada? Start a conspiracy theory that Pam Bondi arranged to have the Epstein files buried in the bridge deck. Promise not to close the Strait of Hormuz. Can’t hurt.